Sunday, December 7, 2008

and so i have a new life story.i couldn't believe how blind i was before.all that garbage about faithfulness,it just doesn't ring.and i believe i am a changed person.not like before,and i don't know what is happening to me.or maybe i do,but i just don't want to believe it because it makes me appear to be a monster.and i know all too well that monsters are not only mutants and demons.

i was wrong.i should not have even thought about it.but the deed was done.and for some reason,even though people tell me i am being silly,i still feel guilty.i could not even fulfil those simple requirements.and i feel sorry for myself.that is why i don't dare to ask you out.that is why i won't.that is why i shall simply stay at home or try find a job.that is why i have taken up to reading on hypnosis in order to influence my thoughts away from these dark path of self-absorption and self-pity.to veer of course,i shall just say that hypnosis is simply relaxing.it helps me to focus.

but i have not fallen that deeply yet.i am not trying to rationalise what i have done,but simply to state why and how.the first time i met her,i thought that she was just a flowerpot,and that she was merely like other girls;albeit an extremely attractive one.but even through my self-imposed aloofness,i still had that feeling that i knew her once.and thats weird.she seemed so ...familiar.and the next few days,she demonstrated her filial piety.and there's no more secure way to a man's heart than the knowledge that a girl would go out all for a stranger,to someone whom she did not know.her dedication and help shown towards my grandparents told me,more strongly than any words could,that she was a kind soul.looking after our elders is not an easy task.i know.i pushed my grandfather up the mountain on a wheelchair.being old,he is not so fit to be able to walk so much.my dad,sister and mum had to take turns to push my grandmother.and all those help she rendered (not pushing my grandparents in a wheelchair la,aiyo.i meant her looking after them when i was at the loo/running errands for them.) struck a deep chord within me.i could not help but re-evaluate this new information.and i begin to accord her some measure of respect.and of how much she loved her younger sister and brother.and her courage.i never met a girl like her.on the ski slopes of yongpyong,she asked me for my name and school.never in 16 years have i met a girl,so perfectly at ease with assisting others,a shining beacon of courage and goodwill.she,another 16 year old,and yet so grown up.an intelligent girl,with perfect manners and behaviour.imagine that.

and then came that fateful decision.i was fretting over whether to get her msn or not.after this holiday,we would probably never see each other again.and then i decided.on hindsight,i admit i was rash,impractical and for all purposes,complacent.i decided that if we were fated,then she would give me her msn.if we were destined for more,then surely there would be another way!but no.heaven does not play that way.destiny is future,fate,marriage and many other things.BUT the one thing destiny is not,is that it does not do home visits.and without getting her contact,we parted.why?because i was a cowardly,indecisive fool.and fools are never rewarded.and so now,my heart pines for her.even though i know that it is all too late.but i post this in order to remind myself,about how life could have been,if i had dared to write a simple sentence on a piece of paper.or if i had just given her my email or asked for hers.

and so,dear J,it seems that our paths will not cross again.forget the shabla Force opening a hatch when it closes a viewport.just remember that because i started judging you by your appearance as a flowervase,i wreaked this havoc.though you may never read this post,i hope that somewhere,you will know.know that this coward regrets judging you.and know that he is sorry.

With Love,
Henry

Thought Of The Day:All That Glitters Is Not Gold,Often Have You Heard That Told.But While Its Exterior Is A Shiny Yellow,There Is Always A Possibility That It IS True Gold.And Faces And Appearances Makes Us All Unobjective.Never Judge A Book By Its Cover.You May Have To Judge It On Its Content Page Instead.

Labels: Crapping

Cob'ikaLet it Burn at 22:36

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